The other night my girlfriend and I were driving an hour to KFC to pick up some dinner for the family. Yes, an hour. We live in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, we were listening to Dio and as a joke I said that we should come up with “DnDio” because the name alone is hilarious. The rules are simple – you follow all of the rules Dio lays out in his amazing song “Don’t Talk to Strangers” and you live. Anything else, you die at the hands of metal! Now is not the time to be squeamish, knave!
This is a very manly game for a very manly audience, so it’s best played with long hair and no shirt. If you’re fat, take some of your mothers eyeliner or mascara and paint on a set of abs. If this isn’t an option, this is not the game for you. The same rules apply if you don’t have long hair – get a wig or you die.
Let’s start with the “core rules” of DnDio..
- Don’t talk to strangers. – Why? Because they’re only there to do you harm. Listen to the song, man! I know it’s a departure from other role-playing games, but if you’re a real manly man like Dio you’ll find out how to get to your next destination not by asking, but by killing!
- Don’t write in starlight. – Why? Because the words may come out real! Think about it! Are you thinking yet? Have you even started on those grease paint abs yet?!
- Don’t hide in doorways. – Why? Because you may find the key that opens up your soul, man! YOUR SOUL! Do you want that?! Is that the treasure you seek in DnDio?! PAINT ON YOUR ABS AND FLEX!!! You don’t want your soul, you want power and magic and to ride a friggin DRAGON, man!
- Don’t go to heaven. – Why? Because it’s really on hell according to Dio! You know the devil plays tricks and unless you slay him in DnDio with wizard magics, you’re path to heaven will be blocked. By dragons. Seriously.. dragons.. *makes dragon noises*
- Don’t smell the flowers. – Why? They’re an evil drug to make you lose your mind! While in the metal world that might sound all well and good, but if you’re roasted out on some weird flower magic you’ll misfire your wizard spells and kill your friends! Now killing is what DnDio is all about, don’t get me wrong, but you don’t gain XP for your dead friends. Think about it.. and think about finishing up those abs already! THINK ALPHA MANLY!
- Don’t dream of women. – Why? Because they’ll always bring you down, that’s why! Don’t be weak! There is a time for women and that’s AFTER you can show her your new abs and your silky hair and your all-metal outfit and magic spells! Think about how fast the panties will drop for you! Are you thinking about it? Good, just don’t DREAM about it.
- Don’t dance in darkness. – Why? Because you may stumble and you’re sure to fall! First off, this should be an easy one because no man should ever dance in daylight, let alone darkness. If you dance in darkness, not only will you die instantly from darkness disease but you’ll instantly kill your friends too.
Now, if you think you can follow the rules and avoid death 100 times over.. then play on, friends. Play on. There are some other things you need to know as well..
- All equipment is made of metal.
- All enemies are dragons and wizards.
- There is no critical failure rolls, only instant death.
- This game isn’t about being a bitch. It’s about being a man.
- Abs or die.
- Your voice is your weapon, because it’s made of metal.
- Non-metal objects will burn to your skin and kill you.
Be sure to check back for the complete and comprehensive rulebook and 1-page monster manual in the future. Stay alpha.