Let’s face it. As gamers, we all want different things out of our games and sometimes we suffer through things like inverted control settings, drawn out cutscenes and lack of plot to make it through a game that we are completely convinced we could do better on – which we all know is complete bullshit, by the way. But for the sake of conversation, let’s roll up our magical wizard sleeves and work a little bit of video game brujeria (just google the term already) to make what I feel would be the most perfect video game in the world.
First off, there has to be some sort of crisis that puts the fate of the world at stake.
In a world that will be shrouded in ice and snow, gigantic robo-penguins will rule the world with an iron fi.. er.. iron wing, I guess. Why are they here? Because Gwar warned us 15 years ago with their song “Penguin Attack” and we should have listened.
But who is the hero that will step up to save humanity?
The only man loud and angry enough to stop the robo-penguin uprising is, without question, Henry Rollins. He’s buff, has a lot of hatred running through his veins and was the singer to Black Flag for craps sake. For that alone I owe him the honor of smashing penguins with his bare hands. Think Splatterhouse starring Henry Rollins and instead of demons there are giant robot penguins that do everything they can to anger humanity – slavery, vote republican, play Call of Duty, listen to dubstep and hate hobbits. Aren’t you ready to fuck up some penguins with Henry!? Exactly.
Now who can really bring this vision to life?
None other than my personal favorite gaming person ever, SUDA 51. No one in the world can bring such an iconic, insane, ridiculous scenario like Hank Rollins wrecking robot penguins in bulk to the home console like SUDA 51 could. He is single handedly bringing the Sega approach to gaming this generation with off-the-wall games like Killer 7, No More Heroes, Shadows of the Damned and Lollipop Chainsaw just like Sega did with Space Channel 5, Samba de Amigo, Crazy Taxi and Jet Grind Radio for the Dreamcast. I wouldn’t even consider playing this game unless SUDA was at the helm, maybe with a little help from Adam Green (of Hatchet, Frozen and Holliston fame) for localization purposes, but this day and age, if you want to get me excited about a game all you have to tell me is that SUDA 51 and Grasshopper are heading the project.
Okay, so what is the game actually like?
First off, the soundtrack consists completely of Black Flag songs. Why? Because fuck everything else. Black Flag is awesome and you need to be as angry as Henry when you’re plucking mechanical wings off our non-flying life-enders. Every boss fight will be greeted by Black Flag’s “My War” and if you don’t finish the fight before the song ends, Henry gets so pissed that you’ll hear a knock at your door, open it and he will personally be standing there with his arms folded, muscles bulging and you’ll die instantly in a puddle of your own urine. It’s going to control like an arcade beat-em-up with boss fights like Shadow of the Colossus and shouts like Skyrim. But instead of yelling FUS ROH DAH, Henry will yell shit like “SPRAY PAINT THE WALLS!” or “TV PARTY TONIGHT!” before exploding things with his magical voice.
There will also be choice with consequence like Mass Effect or Witcher 2, but instead of being given a passive or aggressive option, all options will lead to violence in one way or another.
“Henry, how are you going to deal with the constant onslaught of robo-penguins?!” could be answered with “*stare in anger with arms folded until his head explodes*” or “As long as I don’t have to stand around in an airport surrounded by dumb-dumbs, I don’t give a shit.” and at that point Henry leaves, slams the door and the guys head explodes anyway.
Oh, and you can play 2-player co-op with the 2nd player being Henry’s friend William Shatner, thus changing all boss music to their duet “I Can’t Get Behind That!”. Who isn’t excited about this yet?
YES! Smashing penguins fills up Henry’s “Search and Destroy” meter that, when filled, lets Henry morph it to super-buff surf shorts Henry and kill everything on the screen instantly with the help of United States Military air support from his USO spoken word tours. The downfall? This might be too much awesome and may come through your television screen to kill you as well. Your only protection from this is to wear a snuggy at all times. I also want him to jump super high like James Heller from Prototype 2, have Metal Gear Solid-ish phone chats with Glen Danzig to give him mission advice and I want the last boss to be against a gigantic robo-penguin Hitler where Henry fights in the mech from the end of Aliens.
So there you have it. That’s my perfect game. No extended cutscenes like Star Ocean. No convoluted plot like the latest Final Fantasy efforts. No first person shooting or extreme sports. Just Henry, Black Flag music, William Shatner and lots of dead robotic penguins. Who is ready to pre-order?