The Brine is hungry and I must feed it.

Gunter wants you to touch his tra la la!

I completed Dragon’s Dogma recently and my girlfriend just finished up Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning so she wanted to see what all of the fuss was about. Basically, I wouldn’t shut the hell up about how much fun I was having scaling a dragon while it was flying and stabbing it in the heart over and over again. Yeah. It’s awesome.

Anyway, rather than go through NG+, I opted to start the entire game over so she could experience getting her face wrecked by a Griffin at level 20 instead of heading in to Gransys as a level 82 Warrior decked out in dragonforged gear. This time through, though, I’ve never thrown so many pawns in to the Brine due to the sheer stupidity of their actions.

Any Mage above level 10 that doesn’t have healing spells – yet has “high” versions of all sorts of useless shit – should either be a Sorcerer or be deleted completely. Finding a Mage with High Halidom, High Anodyne and whatever spell gives our weapons that sexy fire damage has been virtually nonexistent. The ones we do find need to have a long time out in the knowledge chair so I can bitch at them about running off to gather loot instead of preventing this Ogre from resting his club on my testicles until I die from some sort of infection.

I have to admit though that now that I’m aware of the consequences of throwing pawns and the random passerby in to the Brine (which is basically nothing if you don’t get caught by the guards), it’s a lot more fun than my initial playthrough. I don’t like a pawns name? To the Brine with you! Stupid haircut? It’s time for a vegan Brine salad, motherfucker! Accidentally rented a pawn of the wrong class? BRINE! Seriously, the Brine has to have a wicked stomach ache or at least developed an allergy to the failure that I feed it on a daily basis. I hope that one day the Brine looks back and thinks, “Man, I really miss that girl who fed me all of those delicious pawns!” not knowing that I’m really a dude playing crossgender as a tiny female Sorcerer.

I’d also like to point out that I somehow missed the Art of Metamorphosis item in my last run of the game. This lets you access an Edit option from the title screen (only once) to completely change the way your character and main pawn look. We went from having a hot gigantic piece of Nordic ass to a tiny little girl with pink pigtails that screams RENT ME, PEDOPHILE! I’ll wake up tomorrow with 5-star ratings across the board, I know it. Niad almost made our main pawn look like Gunter, which would have been completely rad, but alas, we wanted to cater to the creepy loli crowd. I don’t mean any offense by that, although I truly do.