It’s the Freakin’ Weekend and Everything Kinda Sucks.

Friday! No video games! Let’s talk about real life struggles!

For those of you not following along on Twitter, I’ll give it to you straight. Back in February this year, my 12-year-old kitty was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery to have her entire left mammary chain removed as a precaution. The surgery went fine, she recovered well, and within a month she had gone back to her usual self. The tumor was small, which typically meant we’d get another 2-4 years with her. Unfortunately, we weren’t that lucky.

About 3 weeks ago we noticed her breathing more rapidly than normal. She was about 2 pounds overweight, so we chalked it up to her age and size and decided to put her on a diet. A week later, the speed of her breathing increased and we immediately took her to the same veterinarian who performed the mammary gland removal surgery. It was far worse than we could have ever imagined.

They showed an Xray of her chest and her lungs were full of polyps, causing her to rapidly breathe at 50% of normal capacity. We were then given the unfortunate news that our beautiful kitty would continue to quickly decline and likely pass away in the next few weeks. Devastated, we took her back home after she received a steroid injection to help with her labored breathing.

And now it’s Rewind Time.

Approximately two weeks before this all occurred, I spiraled into a manic state of anxiety far worse than I’d ever experienced before. I’ve openly talked about my depression before, but rarely anxiety as it’s often under control. Long story short, I had an IBS flare-up that had similar symptoms to colon cancer, I made the mistake of Googling said symptoms, and my hypochondria became catastrophic to my overall mental health. I became a mess, sleeping 1-3 hours per night, waking up to panic attacks and having them throughout the day. These caused the muscles and joints in my arms and legs to tense up and ache and further increased my IBS symptoms (for those confused, IBS is Irritable Bowel Syndrome — essentially a state of constant to intermittent abdominal pains, diarrhea swapping in and out with constipation, and other un-fun things).

The worse this got, the worse my hypochondria became. If I was awake and in pain, I was Googling my symptoms and spiraling out of control. At that point, I was convinced that I had three different types of cancers! My girlfriend has been a big help and I’ve since seen a doctor who issued me a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug (Buspar). Finally, there was a light at the end of the tunnel! Until there wasn’t.

After my first appointment, I was informed that I no longer qualified for their sliding scale fees (I’m an unemployed former full-time student without insurance who somehow doesn’t qualify because I have to live with my mother for now and *her* income counts as mine, despite me being 36 and not claimed in any way by her tax returns — American healthcare fucking sucks for poor people, if you haven’t heard).

A week into the medication (which has been helping) I started to have increased anxiety because I wasn’t sure how I’d go about continuing to receive it — I’m currently working with another clinic and playing the “waiting game.”

So atop that, we now fast-forward back to the unfortunate cat news. Juggling both of these things was an absolute nightmare. My depression was high because I was about to lose my 12-year-old fur baby, and my anxiety was (is) high because I was convinced that (despite the low chance) I had colon cancer. Watching her deteriorate from her newfound lung cancer played into the hypochondria, which, in turn, increased my anxiety levels even further.

Then another surprise came. While petting the belly of our 14-year-old cat, my heart stopped as I felt a strange lump near one of her nipples. I was hearthbroken, thinking about losing another one of my cats in a similar manner.

This is the part of the story where I’d like to break away for a minute and stress the importance of spaying or neutering your cats at an early age, though.

We discovered Winkle’s breast cancer during a routine petting. The tumor, which felt like hard, lumpy oatmeal and appeared underneath the skin of one of her nipples, was about the size of penny and didn’t move around at all. The size of the tumor at the time of diagnoses plays a large role in the life expectancy of your cat, as well as its age, weight, and breed.

According to

“Generally, the prognosis for cats with breast or mammary cancer is guarded, with a few exceptions. If the cat’s tumor is smaller than 2cm, it may survive for up to three years. Cats with tumors between 2 and 3cm may survive fur up to two years and cats whose tumors are larger than 3cm may survive for up to six months.”

While Winkle’s tumor was on the small side, she was obese by two pounds and considered a senior at age 12. Mammary tumors in cats are also incredibly aggressive and metastasize quickly, as hers spread furiously into her lungs and resulted in her death roughly four months after surgery.

When it comes to mammary tumors in cats, less than 1% of them are benign (safe), with 77% being cancerous and 22% being pre-cancerous. The statistics are definitely not in their favor, so I implore you to routinely check your cat’s tummy on a weekly basis and not hesitate to schedule a vet visit if anything feels off. The procedure to have it removed was roughly $1,600.00 USD and was followed by a month-long recovery process.

The statistic that surprised us the most, though, wasn’t the 99.1% likelihood of a tumor being cancerous, but had to do with the age she was spayed. She was spayed as a 6-year-old adult, but cats spayed before their first heat cycle reduce their risk of the same cancer by almost 100%, dropping to 90% if they’re spayed before their first birthday. Waiting increases their risk exponentially, with an 8% increased risk by the 2nd heat cycle and a whopping 26% increase by their second birthday. You can imagine her risk percentage by her sixth, right?

In short, spay and neuter your pets. If I had known about this 12 years ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about keeping the electric on versus spaying my cat.

Thankfully, our 14-year-old’s lump turned out to be a common, harmless case of aging mammary tissue. It was flat — not lumpy like oatmeal — and our vet confirmed it as nothing life-threatening.

Yesterday, though, we had to make the incredibly tough decision that Winkle, our furry kitty, had been through enough. Her breathing had declined to the point where she was just eating and sleeping, and struggling to do both. She no longer wanted to play with her favorite string, no longer carried her favorite strawberry-shaped toy in her mouth while meowing down the hallway in the middle of the night — nothing. As a pet owner, it’s our job to make these decisions for them and it’s never, ever easy.

While I’m sad that she’s gone and I’ll never forget her adorable personality quirks, her chunky cuteness, and all of the wonderful memories and happiness she gave us, I’m also glad she’s no longer suffering.

As a result, my anxiety has improved, but the hypochondria remains in the back of my mind while I wait for my next appointment. All signs point to a combination of severe depression and anxiety, along with IBS, but, to my brain, “anything can happen.”

I feel silly talking about it because I think any rational person would chalk it up to the likely outcome and quietly wait for their appointment. But I can’t. I spend most of my day staving off the next panic attack, struggling not to pick up my tablet and Google more symptoms in a futile attempt of narrowing down a shitty self-diagnoses.

To give you an idea of how my hypochondria works: in order to combat my IBS’s diarrhea symptoms I stopped eating fast food and other bad-for-you stuff (like soda and ice cream) as well as struggling with anxiety’s unwelcome decreased appetite over the course of the last seven days, which resulted in a five-pound weight reduction. Sounds normal for a 221-pound male to lose five pounds in a week when they’re barely eating — and when they do eat they’re eating fresh fruit and vegetables and other high-fiber foodstuffs. To me, this was “drastic weight loss,” which redirected my brain back to one of colon cancer’s earliest detected symptoms. Because of course it did.

Needless to say, it’s been the struggle to end all mental struggles, my family is an amazing support system, and I just want to sit in my room and cry about my cat. This is why I haven’t been around for the last few weeks and why I’ve been distant on social media. My world is in shambles and I’m struggling hard to put it all back together. It’s a slow process that I feel is working, and I also feel healthier, but anxiety and hypochondria are always there to remind me of the absolute worst possible outcomes.

Thank you to everyone out there who have reached out on Twitter or Discord and offered their condolences and/or shoulder to vent on. It means a lot. This post was hard to write, but it did make me feel a little better (even if it does make me sound completely insane).

Games haven’t been working as a distraction and I’ve completely bounced off Prey, Tokyo Xanadu Ex+, Grand Theft Auto V, Watch Dogs 2, and Shadow Tactics. I just can’t focus on them long enough and, as a result, gain nothing in return. I did have a $15 refund credit on PSN and used to pick up a few games during their Mid-Year Sale (Ys Origins, Song of the Deep, Full Throttle Remastered, Sine Mora Ex, and Giana Sisters: Twisted Dreams), but whether or not I dive into anything this weekend is completely up in the air.

If this post is a little too uncomfortable to read and reply to, I completely understand. This was for me more than anything.


45 thoughts on “It’s the Freakin’ Weekend and Everything Kinda Sucks.

  1. At the risk of sounding super redundant, thanks for sharing this and glad to hear you have the support you need despite what sounds like a lot of setbacks and unfortunate circumstances. I very much empathize with a lot of this and hope that things become a bit more manageable, though it sounds like you’re taking actions to work your way toward that.

    Obviously, do what you need to do and keep healthy. Wishing you well, bud.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m sorry things have been so rough for you as of late. Pets are family, and losing a pet is tough. I miss my brother’s dog, and he wasn’t even my dog.

    Things haven’t been so hot for me either lately. I don’t say that for me, just to show I can relate. Earlier this year I had a similar bathroom scare which meant a trip to the ER, and doctors, and follow ups, and a colonoscopy (Thankfully no cancer), and I have to get another one in ten years. But at my last check up, I mentioned some bruised feeling around my ribs, and so an ultrasound later, I have polyps in my gall bladder. I tried to put off talking to a surgeon so I could save money to catch up on my current medical debt. But this week the pain has gotten a little bit worse. So tomorrow I hope someone is at the Doctor’s office so I can make an appointment so he can have me talk to the surgeon. If not tomorrow, then Monday. Chances are, they’ll have to take my gall bladder out before year’s end. Of course I completely identify with the feelings of hypochondria. A lot of times my brain goes right to the worst possible scenario whenever something goes wrong with me. When I had hernia surgery a few years ago I was convinced I was going out on the operating table. I’m sure the staff thought I was the biggest wimp they ever had the misfortune of installing a mesh inside. And while all this current gall bladder stuff is going on I found out that my Aunt has terminal cancer from 60 years of smoking nearly a carton a day. So I’ve had relatives crashing for two weeks so they could go to Upstate NY to see her as much as they can. The thing to remember is you’re not alone. You’ve got friends, a girlfriend, family who love you. It’s hard to see that when you’re depressed. I know that as well as anyone. For years I missed opportunities because I always felt I was worthless, and incapable. I missed out on relationships because I felt I wasn’t good enough. I was taken advantage of because people could sense it.

    But there’s a lot of rough stuff people are dealing with. We all have our crosses to carry. Some may not seem like much of anything on the outside, but then the observer isn’t the one who has to lift the damn thing. But it isn’t hopeless. These are just trials. They’re not here forever. I know that sounds pie in the sky saccharin baloney coming from me when you’re grieving, anxious, and depressed but these times shall pass. And grieve at your own pace. Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve. I’m just saying in that process try not to lose all hope. Cherish the memories of your pet. Remember the joy your pet brought to your family. I can still see Bean carrying around his blanket in his mouth, or flipping his empty bowl to tell the world he wants water. And I smile. And how he had a keen sense in knowing when someone wasn’t feeling good, he would sit next to them, and try to comfort them. I remember this stuff, and he wasn’t even my dog. So I totally see what you’re getting at, even though our situations are different. If you need to vent, my PM box is open.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know I already responded to you on Twitter, but man, you’re a great dude and I’m glad we met. Appreciate the condolences and my fingers are crossed for a speedy surgery recovery whenever you get around to it. Let me know when that is so I can send a care package.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I can’t relate to everything you posted here…however, I have lost a couple of cats over the years to cancer and other ailments and it is the worst possible feeling. Those who have pets understand, those who don’t, don’t. Pets are members of the family, in every sense. Losing them can hurt as much as losing humans, and yes, it’s the same. Some wouldn’t agree, but I sure would. I have two cats who are pushing 10 and I know their best days are behind them. I only hope to have a few more years with them at which point I can’t imagine the hurt. I mean, I’ve grown up with three other cats while living at home with my parents…but the cats I have now have been with my wife and I for 9 years. They’re *mine* and I can’t envision a life without them. Stay strong, brother. Easy to say, harder to do…but remember the good times and all the floofy snuggles. It’s hard, because you’d give anything to have one more pat on the head…but…do what you can.

    As for everything else…man, I can’t relate. I’ve never suffered from anxiety or depression though my mother, sister and brother all do. All I can say is that I’m here if you ever need to vent or chat, or even just to take your mind off things with something as trivial as video games.

    Keep your head up and stay strong. Here for whatever, whenever.


    1. Losing a pet is just like losing a family member. It’s never easy and watching someone you love deteriorate so quickly to cancer is just absolute fucking awful. Keep spoiling your kitty and I appreciate the condolences.


  4. Sorry to hear about your cat…I’ve got two of them and they’re definitely members of the family, so I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

    Hope everything else works out OK and best of luck with the doctor appointments.


  5. Words just seem kinda pointless, but I’ll just give them to you anyway: I’m sorry you’re suffering. I’m sorry your kitty isn’t here anymore. I’m sorry life is horrible right now.
    Big hugs! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That is a rough feedback loop you have going there. So sorry to hear about your cat. Fur kids are hard to part with even when you know it’s their time. Animals live in the moment though and sounds like your kitten had years of wonderful ones. As far as anxiety and mental health you are definitely not alone. Keep up with the meds and follow up with your doc if they stop working! I always appreciate your Friday blog because you take time to respond to everyone which is really awesome. But it’s just fun to read what you are playing meanwhile – totally different types of games then I have ever looked into so it expands my mindset a bunch.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The weekend posts are always my favorite and prove to be the most popular things I do here, so I’m glad you enjoy reading and responding to them =). Winkle definitely had 12 mostly great years.


  7. I hope sharing this post was helpful for you and I am sorry to hear of your loss! Although you may feel like everything is falling to pieces, from where I’m standing it seems you’ve been very resilient to push through all this – and it sounds like although it was difficult, you made the best possible decision for your cat. Thank you for sharing your experience; I can’t imagine how difficult it was to put these words on paper.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’m so sorry about everything you are going through. I can really relate with my mental health not being in the best of positions and last week one of my furbabies got suddenly ill and a trip to the vet with instructions to syringe feed baby food every 1-2 hours and make her take water (and lots of fingers crossed as it was unsure of what had happened) she passed away between the syringe feeds I was doing. I am so sorry about your cat and how your health is (and the American medical system – as an outsider). You are strong though and you have what sounds like a wonderful support network. If you need to chat I am here.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re currently going through. Anyone who has had to make the decision you had to with your cat, understands the emotions you’re going through. I found it so tough after we had to put down our 15 year old German Sherpherd x Border Collie, like you said, at least she isn’t suffering anymore.
    I can’t even begin to understand everything else you’re going through. I just hope you are able to recover as soon as possible.


  10. Our pets become our family and we treat them as such. Last year I wrote of some of my experiences and this year we had some more pet struggles. Long story short, after months and $6000 in surgery the dog is better than ever but the road there was emotional agony. Stay strong and know that we all support you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Really sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time at the moment. I was distraught when my cat passed away and I still remember how down I felt about it despite it being a decade ago. The support of your family and friends will help you get through it in time and I wish you all best.


  12. Take your time. We’re always here… even when it seems like we’re not. Your family, your health, they’re fundamental parts of you and unquestionably the priority. Please, take as much time as you need, and we’ll be here should you need us and when you’re ready.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m personally glad you wrote this. I don’t know what to say other than to offer Jennifer and I’s support if you ever need us. I can’t say I can offer advice, or that any advice would help, but at the very least I can be someone how is ready to listen.

    Take your time with it all. As for gaming and writing, I’d say take a break if that’s what suits you. I know forcing myself to keep on trucking when my heart isn’t in it just leads to me feeling worse about the situation. The mood will strike you eventually again, I guarantee it.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I saw this on Twitter so popped on here to read it since I won’t see these until my weekly email. Holy. Shit. It never just rains it pours doesn’t it? I…kind of always thought I was overly an hypochondriac until I realized that’s yet another add on to anxiety, and they feed off each other, and of course anxiety makes IBS worse so yeah, your life has been a cascade of suck. I’m glad you have a great support system and distractions, which some people would think sounds weird, but I literally life for distractions. If i’m doing a logic puzzle or playing a game, it keeps my brain busy and not focused on something that’s going to send me spiraling. It’s necessary.

    I…don’t even now what to say about the cats. My grumpy old man died of cancer earlier this year, and I still have to fight blaming myself from not catching it soon. It happened so goddamn fast. He was “fine” on Christmas, then all of a sudden we noticed he was lethargic in January, and by the time we got him to the vet he had a huge swelling in his stomach. I know now he was probably sick in December, but cats are masters at hiding that shit. This is the main reason I wish we could talk to them. Yeah, it would be cool, but we’d also know if they were ill or sad. I hate that our pets live for such a short amount of time whereas the worst kinds of human assholes can get like 80 years. We all know life isn’t fair, but FFS…

    I f**king at our healthcare system. It shouldn’t even be called that, because it doesn’t do a damn thing for your health, and it sure as hell doesn’t care. The people who need it the most can’t get it and even if you have insurance, you’re still often stuck with high bills. I get pissed every time I have to refill my asthma medicine because I literally need to spend money to breathe. Something that other people can do for free, but because I have a disease I didn’t choose and isn’t my fault, I have to pay to be able to do that. Anxiety is either a chemical imbalance, due to life circumstances of a combination of both, but either way it’s not the individual’s fault. Then they expect you to “be productive” but not give you the means to be able to do so. It makes me sick (literally) and it doesn’t look like it’s getting better anytime soon. I have my fingers crossed for you with that. Disrupting the anxiety part of the cycle will hopefully help calm the rest of it.

    Regardless whether your posting this kind of stuff or disappearing into video games for a while, we’re all here for you dude ♥

    (Sorry for being overly verbose o.O)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Feeling guilty is a normal thing, but don’t let it eat you up. Like you said, they’re masters at hiding this stuff. They’re also furry as hell, so noticing lumps and stuff is super tough. Cancer in cats spreads so fast too, so even if your vet didn’t notice anything wrong a month or two ago doesn’t mean everything is fine now. Cats are creatures of habit and all we can do is act upon that whenever we notice something is wrong — which is exactly what you and I both did. We did all we could. Don’t let it consume you.

      Appreciate the condolences =)

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I think because they’re so small and cancer is so aggressive paired with we usually don’t catch it until it’s too later. I’m still looking forward to a future where we have better disease detecting technology. Not to say I don’t want them for humans, but the average person has the ability to take their own action against it. It’s also because they live longer with us as their servants, and the longer you live the higher your chance of cancer.

        I know intellectually you’re right, but goddamn emotions.

        Anytime brother!


  15. I’m really sorry you’re hurting. You guys did all you could to help your kitty. I’ve never had to make a decision like that and don’t know that I could, really. You guys are a lot stronger and braver than me.

    Anxiety is just the worst thing. I know those loops of crippling fear you’re talking about and went through something similar this past Christmas when my dad was diagnosed with a large tumour. Those sleepless nights and constant worry/fear humming away in my head were the worst emotional hell I think I’ve lived through. Thankfully it turned out okay. I really hope that you can figure out a way to continue your medication if it has been helping you. Hopefully there’s a program you can get onto that can support you. I’m still really shocked that health care in the US is such an unachievable thing for so many people.

    I’ll be thinking about you guys. If you need anything or want to talk, you know where to find me. <3 I hope you can find some peace on your break if you decide to take one.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeesh, I’m glad your dad ended up being okay! Those types of scares make time go by so slow and it’s agonizing. I’m definitely trying to take it easy and I’ve been making a lot of progress so far, but it’s not something I expect to see go away or drastically improve overnight. I’m not having much luck in the way of games, with nothing holding my attention longer than 15-20 minutes, but I did pick up a few comics. Maybe that’ll do instead. Thanks, HG!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. My condolences for your cat – it is a hard decision, and one I’ve never had to do personally, but my Aunt and Uncle have had to let their kitties go over the years. Now I have my first ever pet, a 1-year old cat, and I hope she’ll be around as long as possible.

    As for the anxiety, I have been there, and the panic attacks, and coincidentally I also have IBS. There’s a history of Chron’s in my family, so I had a colonoscopy, but thankfully it came back negative. There is a huge link between gut and mind, so if one is off the other goes off too.

    I really feel for you guys in the US – I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for years and have never had to pay a cent (drugs is another matter). I mentioned on Twitter but I can not understate the importance of therapy, but with financial strains I know it’s tough. I would look to see if your area has mental health resources, maybe different non-profits. It couldn’t hurt. I know you started the drugs a while back, I hope they’re helping somewhat.

    Also, you might want to try meditation, see if there are any meditation groups in your area. A lot of the time they are “pay what you can” so that’s always great. You might also want to listen to Tara Brach’s podcast, she’s a psychologist and a mindfulness teacher. Some of her podcasts are talks, and some are guided meditations. I also highly recommend any books by Jon Kabat-Zinn for mindfulness.

    I also take supplements that help. L-Theanine is good for helping to relax, and I take daily probiotics to help with mood and my gut issues. I’ve also started trying magnesium at night for sleep.

    Anyway, I hope that helps! As always feel free to DM me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll have to jot those names down and look into them. Self-help is important since we can’t always be within arms reach of a therapist, haha. Appreciate the advice and glad your Chron’s test came back negative!

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Even if I’m silent as shit because of my own mental health issues, I’m always thinking about you guys. You are always welcome to shoot me a message, dude, both of you. You’re some of my best friends. <3

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Dude. :( I’m so sorry to hear about all this awful stuff you have to go through. Cats really are like part of the family and their loss really hurts. My condolences. I also had no idea spaying or neutering your pets could help protect them against that.

    I’ve been struggling with mental health things and am waiting to get a medical issue checked out that terrifies me… I can definitely relate to how you’re feeling and I’m staying the hell away from Google’s medical advice, haha.

    Wishing you all the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Staying away from Google is the best piece of advice I can give. It’s the worst anxiety trigger, especially if you have hypochondria. Sometimes I just want to know if it’s something I should rush to the ER for (since that’s a $5000 USD visit if you’re uninsured like I am) or something I can wait out and tackle with OTC medication and dietary changes. Having something that shares symptoms with colon cancer debilitates me completely and I’m struggling to function until I get to see my new doctor. They just got my medical records and I have to call tomorrow to set up an appointment, so here’s hoping they can see me quickly. It’s been two months of pure misery.

      Best of luck with your mental health issue as well. You can DM me on Twitter at any time if you ever want to talk about it. Sometimes just venting helps alleviate the stress.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. True that and thank you! I am definitely a hypochondriac and life has been kicking my ass lately. Sigh. I need to have a MRI done for a weird vision problem I’ve been having. I’m convinced it’s the worst possible thing ever, and now I have to wait until August 14th for the scan to happen. I still haven’t received help for my mental health issues. Canada’s healthcare system has serious problems too (it’s not “free”, it’s basically crappy mandatory insurance our tax dollars pay for and not everything is covered). The wait times and hospital conditions here are absolutely horrible. My friend told me the average wait time in my province for mental health help is 435 days… /end rant

        I’m so sorry you have to go through all that. Healthcare systems everywhere seriously need to get better. I really hope everything is going good for you now!! I appreciate the DM offer and I may take you up on that someday. I’m also always around if you need to vent about anything. Take care, dude! :)

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yeah, I’ve heard some horror stories about people having to wait for urgently needed healthcare up in Canada so I guess it’s not all candy and nuts. Things have been going better the last few days and I think just seeing a doctor and talking to them about my problems helped a lot. I’m on new anxiety and depression meds as well as something to help with my sleep disorder, but like any medication cocktail it’s going to take a while to find the right dosage, etc. It’s a start, though.

          I hope your MRI goes well and it’s nothing too serious!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I’ll just say if you see any Canadian bragging about our “free” healthcare system, they’ve never had to use it, haha. Awesome! I’m glad you got to see your doctor and are working on treatment plans. Those little steps really add up to good things happening!

            Thank you!

            Liked by 1 person

  19. Shit dude. I’m sorry you’re going through so much. I know I’m late replying to this and I hope you’re at least a little better by now. I know how hard it is to lose a pet that you’ve owned for years. I had two cats (18 and 19) and they were my life before I had kids. They both died years ago and I my dog died a few years ago too. I still miss them and I’m even considering getting new pets so my kids can grow up with a nice furry friend. We just haven’t decided if we want a cat or dog. I’m cats for life, but my wife likes dogs. We’ll meet in the middle and get a rabbit! Or not… rabbits are nice though.

    I’ve been coping with the fact that my aunt isn’t in pain anymore. She died a few weeks ago. The thing that made it so hard for me was being there for my mom. She just cries and cries and it’s hard to stay strong some times. My aunt and my mom look so much alike that when I saw her body I went through some serious anxiety and started picturing my mom dead. It wasn’t fun and it scared the crap out of me. I’m not ready to lose her and I know I’m not losing her (hopefully) for many more years to come, but my brain tends to think the worst possible things that could happen and that’s what I dwell on.

    Anyways, I hope you’re doing good and if you ever need to vent I’m here for you dude.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. My condolences. I think we’re alike in dwelling on the absolute worst possible outcomes. Everything going on in my body right now points to IBS, stress, and anxiety, but since it shares enough symptoms with colon cancer that’s all I can think about — especially since I don’t have insurance. It wakes me up multiple times a night and it sucks.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel you dude. I thought I was diabetic for a long time because my mom and brother are diabetic and I went to Google to match my symptoms. I’m lucky that I have insurance but that’s because of my kids. If I didn’t have them I wouldn’t have it. So I’m lucky, but I haven’t used my insurance for anything yet. I’m about to start taking some blood pressure meds to manage my blood pressure and have some blood work done next month. I’m incredibly nervous and all I can think of is that if there’s something wrong with me it won’t be curable. I’m thankful that my wife helps me through all of this and that she’s patient with me.


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