Bad Movie Night! #1 – Hellraiser: Revelations

BAD MOVIE NIGHT! presents..

Pinhead – Droppin’ a deuce.

I love Clive Barker as a writer and The Hellbound Heart was a great novella to base the Hellraiser series off of. Unfortunately after he stopped having anything to do with the franchise, it took a swan dive in to a lake filled with hobbit shit and two-headed piranha. So with my internet back to normal and Netflix aching to be used, what better way to kick off Bad Movie Night #1 than with the 2011 Victor Garcia crapfest, Hellraiser: Revelations.

It’s worth noting to Hellraiser fans that this is the only Hellraiser film to not star Doug Bradley as the iconic Pinhead. It’s also worth noting that this movie was complete shit and the only thing worse would be a real-life zombie apocalypse coming to fruition in your front yard. Don’t watch it. Go.. play Viva Pinata or level your Pokemon or.. I don’t know, staple your ass shut instead.

These are what real cenobites look like.

So basically two supposedly teenage kids run away from home and head to where any self respecting teenager wants to go to get shitfaced and obtain an STD – Tijuana! One thing leads to another and one of the kids bangs and kills a hooker in the bathroom of a bar that eventually leads to them hiding out in (ready?) a strip club full of Asian women that speak perfect English. Eventually some homeless guy strolls up to their table (like a boss) and hands over “the box”. The rebellious one of the two opens opens it up and 45 minutes later there are 2 more dead hookers, a dead baby and some incestuous kissing before more people die and the credits roll.

The acting was terrible, even by b-movie standards, with one person playing three different roles. Even toward the end, when things are supposed to wrap up and make sense, it still completely failed to feel like a Hellraiser movie and more like an after school special about a sexually confused teenager and his dysfunctional family. They basically took a lackluster idea for a movie, hired a terrible actor to play Pinhead and an equally talented makeup and FX team, then slapped the Hellraiser name on the cover to draw sales. It didn’t help that Pinhead and the rest of the cenobites looked like complete ass. Seriously, fuck this movie.

This would definitely be his Facebook profile pic. BANG!

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if the makeup and FX team cared enough to put even the slightest bit of effort in to making Pinhead and the rest of the cenobites look remotely original, rather than slapping on a mask and over-sized costumes before calling it a day. Pinhead also kept doing the “duck lips” bullshit that girls do on Facebook and was, for some unknown reason, green. Pinhead is not a fucking alien from the X-Files, the Hulk, Toxic Avenger or a frog that plays the banjo on a rock in the middle of the lake. He’s a demon and kills people with pleasure, pain, hooks and amazing one-liners slipping through his teeth with a British accent. Seriously, Hellraiser: Revelations is a hate crime against anyone with eyes and ears and completely pisses on everything Clive Barker created with The Hellbound Heart. All I got out of it was a new-found respect for the last few Hellraiser films that I thought were bad until I watched this one.

Seriously, what the hell is this? Doug Bradley is probably at home laughing his ass off.

If Rod Sterling were here today, he’d say “File this movie under F, for fucking terrible.” and wouldn’t even allow Hellraiser: Revelations to get lost in The Twilight Zone.